Can’t take this smile off my face because I’ve worked hard to earn it.
Living In Fear
I used to panic over my future because the unknown tomorrow scared the shit out of me.
I was an anxious mess. No job, no girlfriend, no direction. I was 19. That was a tough year.
I wasn’t doing improv either. I was doing nothing creative for that matter. I was hiding from myself, my life, and my gifts.
There were moments where my potential would flicker through no effort of my own.
But whenever I wanted to wield my gifts consciously, my abilities would fail me, and I’d feel pathetic.
I never thought of suicide, but I dreaded a life of mediocrity and working a crap job that required no intelligence or creativity.
Since I was afraid of going after what I wanted, I would just have to settle for whatever scraps life would throw at me.
I was so afraid of it all. I was getting high off of self-pity and feeling sorry for myself.
But I had this nagging little voice in my head that would just not shut up.
“You still got it,” the voice would say.
“You can still do this,” it would whisper whenever I was caught off guard.
“You got to give it one more shot,” persisted the voice.
I had quit theater at 18 because it seemed stupid and not worth pursuing. In reality, quitting was easier than rising to meet the challenge of doing theater outside of my high school comfort zone.
I was afraid but the voice would not go away. Somewhere inside of me, a sacred part of myself never stopped believing in me.
That little flicker refused to be put out. Fear would not extinguish my light. My fire would not yield for anyone.
Suddenly, the voice got louder and louder until it became my POV. My new, stronger, more driven POV would not allow my fear of failure to settle for bland and safe mediocrity.
So after years of living in fear of life, in fear of failure, in fear of accessing all the potential inside of me, I said “Fuck you Fear of Failure. I’m doing this,” and I took a community college improv class, and ever since I’ve been proving right that little voice inside of me that never gave up on me.
Why am I sharing this? Because that little voice saved my life. Don’t give up on yourself before you can show the world what you have.